Girls

I’m so confused when it comes to the opposite sex.

The moment I meet a nice attractive girl, I already picture the future. I imagine us dating, having fun doing things we both enjoy, how romantic moments will be with her specifically, etc. I tell myself instantly that I like her, deep down. Without even knowing her at all, and without sharing with her anything about myself. I try to prove to her that we should be dating, when I don’t even know if I like her. Basically, I develop crushes instantaneously, and everything after that is confirmation bias. I think rationally about how silly or untrue most of them are part of the time, but the irrational other side of me usually overrides that voice.  It takes me way too long to realize how much I really do or don’t like someone, and I still haven’t totally figured that out.

I am so involved in the pursuit of getting a cool girl to like me that I forget about liking her. Occasionally, I get fake feelings confused with real feelings. It hinders good friendships with girls who happen to be attractive, or limits things happening with people I actually like.

Everyone likes being liked, myself included. In the past, if someone remotely had interest, I convinced myself I was hardcore interested and would develop crazy feelings. Most of the time, this would lead to me acting differently, freezing up (I am already horribly awkward) and saying the wrong things or barely saying anything at all to try to play it cool. And if you don’t say anything, the girl isn’t going to know how much you actually like her. But then again, I didn’t even know, so it was just confusing. I have gotten better at being liked in recent years. When someone likes me, I don’t automatically reciprocate the feelings. I like the attention, but I try to see what they like about me and I think about what I like in them. Then I move forward accordingly. However, in even more recent times, this has backfired. I have such unnecessary self-worth at times that I don’t understand why multiple girls like me. So I just assume it is a mistake on their part, and I get somewhat distant and confused. I figure they don’t actually know me like they think, or they wouldn’t really want to date. So I don’t let myself like them. Maybe it is based on the good intentions of not wanting to hurt anyone based on my craziness and distance in life, but it hurts them and me. In order to get past this silly step, I just need to be confident and accepting that some girls out there like me for who I really am.

I think I have had a crush on almost every single one of my female friends. It makes for awkward situations, and usually doesn’t turn into dating. Only years later do I see what I actually liked at the time. I wish I could see what I really like right now. My moods and tastes change. I hurt girls in the process of pursuing or being pursued by them. If I were surer (I don’t like this word) of what I want, I would be more assertive in going for it. The girls I have dated, I have truly cared about. But the scary thing is, they were among the crowd of girls I didn’t like but who liked me. Did I give in? At the time, I didn’t believe so. Was it luck that they happened to turn into great relationships, at least for a time? Or was it destiny that they happened to end in a not so fun way, basically because of me still being that distant, crazy guy?

I want to be a perfect boyfriend and sometimes exhibit very loving qualities that a good boyfriend would have. But other times, I am independent and if there is something I see as detrimental to that independence, I put up my walls and become cold and spiteful, at least on the outside.

I have told plenty of girls to not like me because I will hurt them. But secretly, I also feel pain, and I don’t want to get hurt either. I just want to find someone who I like, who is pretty, who is fun, and who I will open up to and be comfortable with; I want to tear down any walls that I have built once and for all, and I want the girl to feel like she can do the same. Is that possible at this point in my life? I am not sure, but I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity when it arises.

I apologize to those I have hurt based on my distance, and know that I have cared more than you think. In the future, I don’t want that part of me to be the problem. It is not an acceptable trait in a relationship. I want to become a better, less distant person from what I have been. I think this will help to clear up most of my girl confusion, whether it be in the initial crush stage or the later relationship stage.

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2 comments on “Girls

  1. Sparrow says:

    Sometimes I want to give up on men out of fear of being hurt again, and I’ve all but given up hope of meeting a man who I can let my guard down with. It’s good that you can see what you do and want to change that. I guess what I want to say is, reading this post has given me some hope that there are men out there that feel something other than disdain for women.

    • CRS says:

      I’m glad a confused guy like me can give you hope. I have a ton of respect for girls and when I can’t give them everything I think they deserve, I get distant. I need to learn that I’m not being a “good guy” by entering into something I am not capable of giving my all to, even though the girl has feelings for me and vice versa. What is done out of good intentions can sometimes end up making me a jerk.

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