My Resume

Considering I don’t have a full-time job at the moment, I thought I’d show you the resume I’ve been using to see if any improvements can be made:


Geographic location varies arbitrarily and means nothing.

Executive Summary:

Level II frustration candidate with overanalytical expertise and proven proficiency in self-defeatism. Experience in the criticism and cynicism industries. Strong daydreaming skills. Extremely quick learning ability but a failure to follow through on things and a frequent waster of talents.


Looking out windows, 1988-present

Making a big deal out of little things, 1988-present

Doing things I don’t care about, 1995-present

Wandering aimlessly, 2006-present


Frisbee, Shooting a basketball, Trivia and word games, Algebra, Spelling, Bad puns, Trolling, Driving, Details, Paying bills on time, Betting, Cuddling, Making scrambled eggs, Recognizing songs quickly, Seeing things very far away, Humming, Whistling, Reading to an audience, Deadpan humor, Taking pictures, Playing the trumpet, Picking stocks, Opening and closing doors quietly, Escaping parties, Faking phone calls.


Most Likely to Have a Brain Aneurysm, 2013

Best Genuine Social Awkwardness, 2004-2012

Top Game Complainer, 2007-2010

Most Ridiculous Rants, 2006

Worst Girl Skills, 2002-2006

Top Visitor to the Principal’s Office, 1994-1996


I’m pretty sure this version of my resume will yield the best results.


Secede to Succeed

I am driving 95 through the Carpal Tunnel. I am vertiginous in the midst of a deliberate downpour. I am experiencing a schism of schisms, and my ideal cosmic response transcends prior planetary possibilities. My only hope is to create an alternative alternative, but my universe is familiar solely with destruction. Meanwhile, the risk of exposure increases at an alarming rate. Coterminous with the ticking of the portentous clock, their lights flicker freshly in my rearview mirror.

There were plenty of signs directing me in the right direction, but I was too busy evading the authorities. I took an absurd combination of exits and ended up in the middle of nowhere, yet I still hear the sirens approaching. I find myself in a cul-de-sac of cul-de-sacs, and I am contemplating continuing the chase by foot.

Stay tuned. I might be in your neighborhood soon.