Considering I don’t have a full-time job at the moment, I thought I’d show you the resume I’ve been using to see if any improvements can be made:
Geographic location varies arbitrarily and means nothing.
Level II frustration candidate with overanalytical expertise and proven proficiency in self-defeatism. Experience in the criticism and cynicism industries. Strong daydreaming skills. Extremely quick learning ability but a failure to follow through on things and a frequent waster of talents.
Looking out windows, 1988-present
Making a big deal out of little things, 1988-present
Doing things I don’t care about, 1995-present
Wandering aimlessly, 2006-present
Frisbee, Shooting a basketball, Trivia and word games, Algebra, Spelling, Bad puns, Trolling, Driving, Details, Paying bills on time, Betting, Cuddling, Making scrambled eggs, Recognizing songs quickly, Seeing things very far away, Humming, Whistling, Reading to an audience, Deadpan humor, Taking pictures, Playing the trumpet, Picking stocks, Opening and closing doors quietly, Escaping parties, Faking phone calls.
Most Likely to Have a Brain Aneurysm, 2013
Best Genuine Social Awkwardness, 2004-2012
Top Game Complainer, 2007-2010
Most Ridiculous Rants, 2006
Worst Girl Skills, 2002-2006
Top Visitor to the Principal’s Office, 1994-1996
I’m pretty sure this version of my resume will yield the best results.